Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Hate My Blog

Maybe it's because the background color of this pre-made template is a cross between "fake leg" and "paper bag"- or maybe it's because everything I ever think of, or see, has already been blogged or posted, tumbled or tweeted by the time I get around to remembering I even have a blog: video of policeman helping ducks cross multi-lane freeway at rush hour - check; floating opera stage with giant skeleton holding open a book - check; American Apparel visible-pubic-hair print ads - check; the fact that the former editor of Paris Vogue looks a lot like The Grinch - wait, wait, I think I came up with that one. Well, whatever the reasons, I realized: I hate my blog.

So why did I start a blog? To answer this question I had to use my brain, a vastly under-worked organ which has spent its last several years marinating in a heavy mix of alcohol and Victorian novels; with time, the answer became clear, I started a blog because I was miserable, and the source of my misery is the confluence of these simple facts.

I live on Vashon Island.
I don't live in Manhattan.

For those not in the know, Manhattan and Vashon are almost identical in general shape and size (minus the artificially attached Maury Island - rudely bonded to Vashon by a stinking dirt bridge with rusty exercise bikes parked along its side; note about those bikes: they're supposed to be charming, and they're not, they're unsightly and annoying). Maps are inexpertly placed below for people who like maps.

I love Manhattan. I love it like a person. I watch for it in movies, like an old friend. Just the thought of being released onto the streets of Manhattan makes me swoon. And I don't love an idealized Manhattan. I love a noisy, dirty, fast and imperfect Manhattan. A Manhattan that is never the same when you go back. A Manhattan that was always better ten years ago according to someone who lived there.

Not Loving Vashon/Loving Manhattan is my two-headed misery-making monster. There are reasons I live here (boring blah blah on that later) and why I don't live in Manhattan. But first, I would like to share one item that will help highlight the difference between these two places:

Last week in Manhattan, you could have attended the debut of Jonny Greenwood's new music for the film "Doghouse," part of the Wordless Music series - Jonny's largest and longest work yet. Vashon: you could attend a fiber fest and make potholders out of goat hair. Okay, I'm not sure if that's what happened at fiber fest, because I was raving drunk when I read about it, and too hung over the next day to attend. (Trapped in a car, my mates had no choice but to listen to me read back and forth from the event listings in the New Yorker and our local paper, which is called, er, um, vague feeling of shame arising: The Beachcomber.  Just typing out the name of that paper makes me feel like getting drunk right now, in the middle of the day.)

But wait, maybe I should attend Sludge Fest, and learn about septic tanks and alternative toilets, or go see that display of old apple peelers, maybe, just maybe, I should embrace what this island has to offer, rather than sit at home full of bitterness and bile. But god what kind of drug would it take to get me to attend a session of "yoga for birders" at the local land trust building?

Somebody. Help. Me.

Vashon, just like Manhattan, minus 2 million people or so.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

How can I sell my pants on this blog?

I see other people selling their pants on their blogs.
Important Note: Google image search "old jeans" and look at the number of things you should NOT do with your old jeans.